We don’t always borrow articles, but when we do its about a cartoon spy
(Courtesy of Esquire.com)
To celebrate the new season of FX’s Archer, we had the World’s Greatest Spy sit down and answer some of your most pressing romantic questions. But Archer isn’t just a lover (and a fighter); he’s an exceptionally well-dressed lover (and a fighter), so ahead of tonight’s new episode,”Nellis,” we asked him to reveal his best style secrets. Here, in his own words, Sterling Malory Archer offers up his advice on everything from bespoke suits to cordwainers to fine ties made only from the saliva of the Saturniidae silkworm (natch). —The Fashion Editors
1. The most important rule about style is that it costs money to look good. You will never find a perfectly-tailored ivory/bone colored dinner jacket at the mall. You will only find yourself at the food court, face down in a Styrofoam plate of fried rice and self-loathing.
2. Your neckties should be sleek, soft to the touch, and handwoven from the saliva of the Saturniidae silkworm. The silkworms are born the size of a pinhead. Once they hatch, they start eating and fatten themselves up to be 10,000 times their original size. The bugs only eat fresh handpicked mulberry leaves… okay, now I see we have gotten a little sidetracked…
3. Your closet should not be filled with extra bedding and Lord of the Rings collectible goblets, it should be filled with suits. Tailor-made suits. To get these suits, you will need to find a bespoke tailor on Savile Row, London. It’s worth mentioning that Savile Row is the only place I have ever felt so overwhelmed with joy that I jumped into the air and clicked my heels.
4. If you absolutely must insist on being poor, go to Hoi An, Vietnam, one of the cheapest, most competitive places in the world to get anything tailor-made. Do your research and go to an accredited shop that charges a little more for the quality… which would be around $150. Oh, and try the banh bao vac. It’s worth the trip alone.
5. Manicures: if they were just for women, they would be called womanicures.
6. I like it when men wear double-breasted coats because that means they are toiling over a stove, making me a five star meal. If you are not a chef, however, avoid this fashion error.
7. You do not just buy shoes, you have them made. By a cordwainer. In Italy… who you can only call by their first name after fourteen years of exclusive business together.
8. Your valet will be in charge of dressing you. If they don’t have arthritis, it’s a bonus. Nowadays, every time Woodhouse fumbles with buttoning my shirts, it ends with me threatening to force-feed him a bag of sand.
9. I will keep this tip the same as you should keep your hair: short. No hair products or gels. You hear me, Holland?!
10. You should never wear anything you can smell in a magazine. So unless you are headed out the door for an Armenian wedding, put down the Armani ad. The only scent you should ever have on is bay rum with lime.
11. Men should never grow facial hair (with some exceptions including, but not limited to, Burt Reynolds). Why? Because at the end of the day, no woman wants to feel like they are being pleasured by a miniature schnauzer.
12. Wearing paisley was once a very popular trend, and so was rubbing mercury all over your face. But seeing that we no longer live in the 18th century, you have been advised to avoid both at all costs.
13. If you need something formfitting that breathes easily, I recommend the Tacktleneck®, made from the finest Azerbaijani cashmere. This garment is great for those with active lifestyles such as helicopter drivers, spies (obviously), assassins, and actresses who are sleeping their way to the top.
14. Always keep a clean cotton handkerchief in your pocket just in case you make your date cry. Note: I have found through personal experience the situation gets worse if you ask, “why are you crying?”